Survivors guide to healing from abuse..

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I haven’t written in here for a wee bit as I am working on some steps in recovery which require me to be present in life, with the big changes I’ve made.. but let me give you some words of advise or better yet, words of experience... 

Firstly I did what most of you are either starting to recognize or plan.  I left my exnar. (A term used to describe abusive people in your past) In the middle of chaos, with a 15 year old boy and with the help of the police and child services.  The leaving took 1 full year of planning.  Although we had already been walking on egg shells (our son and I) and pretending to be “okay” the falsehood was hard to keep secret.  Part of me was excited to live life again, the other part was fear of getting caught (and for the first time ever, I’ll say this) fear of losing our lives.  We finally left.  It wasn’t that easy but this isn’t why I’m here today.. 

I’m here today to help you build steps towards recovery.  Here is what we did. 

1. Journal.  Every thought, emotion and any type of communication we had from him and anyone who knew them.

2. Refocus.  Our lives had been focused on not breaking any more eggs to walk on.  At any given moment, he would yell or berate us or put us in fear of our lives.  So, we started going to the gym.  I had an EPO (emergency protection order) and I kept that with me 24/7. The gym facility had a lot of cameras and security guards.  We also did volunteering at homeless shelters.  A place my exnar wouldn’t even be seen around.  (He was too good to help anyone) My son and I would learn how to cook healthy meals, watch what we wanted to on TV or just sit and talk.

3. Start new hobbies.  This was a big one for me.  I actually took MMA. Mostly for protection.  It wasn’t a long course, a few months but I learnt how to get someone off me by using their weight.  I learnt how to get a weapon away from someone quicker than they knew what was happening.  

4. Move.  Start fresh.  It’s been 5 years now.  My son actually gave me “permission” to leave the province and that he would be okay.  I’m living in a wee town and refuse to let anyone push me emotionally to heal. 

5. Learn how to accept an apology, know when it is sincere and call a phoney one out.  Yep, I do that.  When someone tells you they are sorry, how do you accept it?  “Oh, it’s okay” NO.  HARD NO.  It isn’t okay.  Whatever someone did, you should acknowledge it.  “I appreciate you apologizing for _____ .”   Point out what they did to cause an apology.  It closes the door on it.  But NEVER again say “it’s okay” for someone’s behaviour that isn’t right.

6. Finally, the next phase in relationships.  I constantly find myself drawing lines.  I will not accept anyone to cross them.  I use to.  I make it abundantly clear where my boundaries are.  Not in a hard, asshole way.  Just in a..

  “hey, I am not comfortable with you swearing so much.”  

Kind of way.  (Swearing is a trigger for me, which will take a lot of time to come down from) 

Anyhow, we all have our journeys to go through.  It is very hard to navigate through it with our emotions, which at times are hard to articulate.  Just trust the path, work towards healing yourself.  If you need someone to chat with, I’m here and you can PM me.    

Mostly, the biggest part I want to tell you....

Learn to be yourself.  You’ve been someone else for way too long.  Start with today.  

Love & light

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