Why I choose forgiveness

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The journey of forgiveness for me started when I was 15.  Due to finding out one of their girlfriends became pregnant, and it was a girl.  

 The weeks following I had, what I thought were dreams, however in fact, they were flashbacks which I suppressed.  Evenings of being touched when I was 10.  Days of being told to "pretend" they were superhero's that had to do "things".  Then when I was 12, I told someone in which, they told me, "Everyone has secrets" and to forget about it, this was to never happen again.  

 I don't believe it ever did happen again, what I do know is that it came flooding back in the instant the pregnancy was announced.  

Shortly after, speaking to a school councilor, they registered me with a group with others to talk about it.  Starting privately with a therapist until I was comfortable.  Learning to speak about what happened, and with who.  I went from confused to hurt to angry then .. to forgiveness. 

 Confusion started from disbelief.  Did it truly happen?  After some time, I took the next step and went to write the police report.  Facing them was the most difficult, being picked up later that evening at work they spoke.

 The first one asked, 

 "Doesn't your religion teach you to forgive and forget?"

 I couldn't reply.

 The other one didn't ask, he just held my hand and said, 

 "I am so sorry."

 Admittance was part of the healing for everyone.

 Hurt started to evolve.  Why did it happen?  After doing some digging it came out that someone, who they trusted hurt them in a similar way, taking away any part of innocence.  

 They learned something no child should.  

 Anger came next.  Angry at those who did what they did to them and eventually to me.  Angry for the lack of protection any child should have.  Angry at what others allowed to happen.

 Finally, forgiveness.  Learning where it started, knowing I had to be the end of it.  Pressing charges, they admitted.  Standing at court and speaking with the judge in a private room, he asked me something that changed us all;

 "What do you want for them?"

 I asked what was going to happen.  

 "They can go to Juvenile detention or they can have mandatory counselling."  

 Without hesitation, I knew what the answer was, and it was based on my direction of forgiveness.  Having to forgive others, including myself.  Having to go through the motions that anyone who had lost faith, to move forward.  

Why I choose forgiveness?  To stop the cycle, that they 
too, could forgive.  I am not the beginning but I will be 
the end.  

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