Our tool boxes, with gratitude

Today, I had the unexpected joy of reconnecting with a friend I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. We shared stories of where life had taken us, catching up on the new chapters that had unfolded. Last time we saw each other, I was in the midst of a major life transformation. We talked about our kids and how we use the lessons from our own lives to help them become stronger, wiser, and better than we were.

As I shared my story with her, I realized how far I’ve come. After years of being in unhealthy relationships, I have finally vowed to put myself first. This moment of self-recognition was a long time coming, and I was amazed at the inner strength I felt as I spoke my truths. It gave me a sense of pride I had longed for.

Reflecting back to when I was a young girl, I remember the abuse I endured for years. At 16, I found the courage to press charges and leave everything behind, stepping into the unknown of a foster home. I often think—where did that fortitude come from? Maybe it was the desire to break the cycle, to protect others, and to create a different story for myself.

Even later, in relationships that didn’t serve me, I found the strength to see what needed to change. This growth, this journey, is not unique to me—sadly, it’s a journey many people face. But I can stand here today, look you in the eye, and say that I understand. I have walked through the mud, and I know how to help you find your way out, into a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Until today, I hadn’t fully realized that in helping others, I was also healing myself.

There are tools I’ve gathered along the way, lessons that I share when I speak at events, and I want to offer them to you:

1. Shoes - Growing up in a diverse, lower-income family, I had only one pair of shoes. At 5 years old, a stranger took me to a mall and bought me three pairs. This act of kindness taught me how small gestures can change someone’s world.

2. Journal - After finally speaking out about the abuse I endured, I was encouraged me to write. And write I did—about anger, pain, and eventually forgiveness. Writing gave me the clarity and strength to stand in court and empathize with my abusers, urging them to seek therapy. I didn’t believe anyone was born cruel—it was a product of their own pain.

3. Gardening Tools - In relationships, I often struggled to face conflict, fearing the consequences. So, I found peace in the garden, volunteering in the community, and focusing on my children. I nurtured relationships and rediscovered my values. This gave me the courage to say “no more.”

4. Jar and Butterflies - With time, I regained a sense of self. I began a daily gratitude practice, writing small notes of thanks and placing them in a jar. I invited others to contribute, too. And as acts of kindness surrounded me, I began to see the world through a lens of generosity. One woman paid for $150 worth of groceries when I needed it most. I hadn’t even asked, but she felt called to help. Moments like that remind me of the power of kindness.

5. A Cloth - After a turbulent time, I thought I had found “the one.” But as our relationship unfolded, I realized I was losing myself while trying to fix someone else. After six years of giving, I understood that in order to truly love someone, our values had to align. I walked away from a relationship that was no longer serving me, and in doing so, I found my strength.

The truth is, healing doesn’t happen overnight. Growth is a process, a slow unfolding. It often comes in unexpected ways, as we gather wisdom and tools from the challenges we face. Every experience, no matter how painful, becomes part of the foundation we build to move forward. We help others—and in doing so, we often help ourselves more than we realize.

As I reflect on these tools—the shoes, journal, gardening, gratitude jar, and cloth—I see now that they were all pieces of the puzzle that allowed me to stand stronger, to be kinder, to love more deeply, and to let go of what no longer served me. Every challenge, every person I’ve met, and every lesson learned has brought me closer to understanding my own worth, reclaiming my voice, and creating a healthier, more fulfilling future. The most important tool of all has been the realization that I am worthy of peace, respect, and self-love.

Our journeys aren’t about perfection. They’re about the courage to face the hardest parts of ourselves and to keep moving forward. Sometimes, we help others without realizing that we are healing in the process. But as long as we continue to seek the tools that help us grow, we’re on the right path.

I am still a work in progress, and I always will be. But today, I can look back with gratitude, knowing that everything I’ve been through has made me who I am—and that the best is yet to come.